Able was I ere I saw Elba and the meat wagon upon which I rode.
Bon appetite los animales!
Goal 1: Lose weight
I currently weigh 3.25 Sharptons – need to drop at least 1 full Sharpton before I can start looking good in a track suit.
Instead of eating brunch I will disrupt them.
Goal 2: Improve station
Secure promotion from stock boy to nighttime manager at local convenience store. There’s been a sudden vacancy.
It’s only Tuesday, yet it’s already been a banner week for NYC’s outer boroughs. Yesterday had a Bronx lady shaving on a train and a Staten Island girl sparking a Brooklyn murder.
And then it’s Queens turn.
Balding creeper busted …Wilson Kenney, 33, of Springfield Gardens was sitting on a bench at the Forest City Park Pool facility in Wantagh on Sunday around 4:50 p.m. when he began to rub his groin area and exposed himself to the 17-year-old lifeguard, cops said.
Wilson has aged a bit since Just One of the Guys, but I am still a fan.
Back then Wilson was considered a poor man’s Phoebe Cates.
We did what we had to do.
And so sudden.
One moment he’s there enjoying the charms of a lady friend – and then without warning a brutal no holds barred attack from above. No time to get up and put on his pants to fight. Dude was sunk.
And we didn’t even get to see her tits. A true day of infamy.
Well well well.
Well well well well well-ity well well well.
Presumably all was progressing nicely until a participant (guy with a girlfriend not present) decided to take pictures, thereby greatly agitating another participant (girl with a boyfriend not present).
The horny shutterbug died that night of baseball bats and stab wounds.
THREESOMES: A CLOSER LOOK
• “Double Team” traditionally uni-clam powered and outfitted for dual sauseetch intake.
• A Double Team is not as prestigious in hetero circles as the golden rung “Canoe Ride” (two girls, one guy).
• In most of Park Slope a Double Team is still more highly prized and sought out than the “Leftover Duck” (two guys & a girl who doesn’t show up).
So here’s the rub: the angry chick contacted her boyfriend, who was not part of the threesome. And in order to get him going, she told him she was raped. Now her boyfriend is not only a confirmed cuck, but a prime murder suspect as well.
And the guy who (still) lives in Park Slope drove the 21 year old girl back home to Staten Island (don’t bet against her being a naughty Italian broad with daddy issues) and then came back to Park Slope to enact some late night revenge on the guy who SIMPLY JUST HAD to document the sexcapade.
That’s when: the victim decided to leave for reasons that were unclear, sources said.
Around that time, the victim’s girlfriend — who was uninvolved in the threesome — received an ominous Instagram message reading “your boyfriend f–ked up and will be taken care of,” sources said.
Gadzooks. That could’ve been me … if I was a marginally lucky yet moronic asshole.
Gotta get a jump on that 5 o’clock shadow.
If you like Pina Coladas, and getting tagged in the seat
If you´re into nude yoga, but you shun Friday’s meat
If you like tickling coin purse, and the cut of my cape
I´m the one that you´ve looked for, drop your trou, so I can rape.
Always brings the house down in P-Town.
Bon appetite los animales!
It’s getting rough out there.
My back is broke. No scratch. My old lady is venomous, she makes me bad food on purpose. I don’t really shower any more. And just yesterday I was on the wrong end of a road rage incident with a man riding a Vespa.
But Silvia Caruso gives me strength; knowing she’s out there and just waiting for something better in this life.
With passage to the Amalfi Coast, I could save her.
I know how it would go down, too. A few drinks, then off for some privacy where I can leave a positano up her brown grotto.