News beat: Tuesday

Puerto Rico is $72 billion in debt, that’s over $200k per drunken barefoot clown in a country future US state whose main occupations are insurance fraud and plaintain picking and threatens to throw a monkey wrench in our economy.

Yet somehow this isn’t offensive, so feel free to fly this flag in your yard, on your car, or if you’re like me on your t-shirt while walking around sans pants.

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In other news, THE DONGER reports that Emily Ratajkowski has discovered the selfie.

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We applaud Emily for not resting on her already impressive body of work.

Fill or Kill: Topics du jour

Phil or Kill?
dead

Final Dead shows this weekend.

O/U (or is it before/after?) for reunion tour: 2019.

Guess the final Dead song: I’m guessing that after the first set the Dead will play a 90 minute version of Drums/Space followed by a Drums/Space encore. This will allow concert goers ample time to take massive dumps without the anxiety that they’re missing anything, a true gift of generosity to the fans paying $10k for nosebleeds.

Wave that flag, wave it wide and high
confederadabig

In light of a recent heinous act that’s triggered a widespread wave of social retardation, it is undoubtedly best for our country to adopt the Stars and Bars as the new official flag. Those who don’t like it can shove it up their ass with a hearty “fuck you” from your humble admin.

FOK: Summer lovelies with a back beef accompaniment.
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Lax god thinks he’s superman 

Remove your caps, gentlemen, for there goes the three time captain of the Coker lacrosse team …

masciarelli

Masciarelli allegedly “would stop on occasion and pose like Superman exposing himself and urinating.”

When confronted by a sheriff’s deputy, Masciarelli “could not explain why he had no pants on,” nor did he know the way home.

Ah, there’s nothing here, he’s just going through a phase. A very fun fucking phase.