This will not stand

Troubling times for mammocentrics.

Big-boobed Playboy model Jenna Bentley has upset her army of fans by announcing she might get a breast reduction — after she nearly knocked herself out jogging.

The 24-year-old says her whopping 36E natural breasts are literally too big to handle and have been getting in the way of her new fitness regime.

To be fair, that’s why I don’t jog either. But why will no one ask her boyfriend, 55 year old Ben Brown, his opinion?

Come to think of it, we could use his take on a lot of things.

Let’s organize. Please send all Jenna breast reduction objections to:

Jenna Bentley
69 Backstreet
Sloppytown, USA

Back to school

On a personal level my interest in higher education is confined to the community college arena; much less drama and distraction on local party scenes where the lines blur between students, professors, drifters, janitors, and general creepers.

But even with that there’s always time for a field trip to see what’s up in university land.

And we take the fuckin’ bus.

Freshman: All smiles. World is new.

Sophomore: Party scene vets now.

Junior: Personal development stage. Exploration anew.

Senior: Ready to take on the world.

I hope you enjoyed the typical college field trip experience. Now you know what college is like today.

Let your eyes be the judge and jury

Love him or hate him, I think we can all agree that President Trump is a heterosexual billionaire with very superficial tastes … that means he only bangs tens.

But the media hates him so much they attacked his wife’s outfits when she accompanied him to hurricane-rocked Texas.

Okay.

Now let’s take a dead serious, God’s honest look at Melania’s most vocal fashion critic – Vogue Magazine’s fashion editor, Lynn Yeager…

There it is. Vogue is perpetrating the fakest news of all fucking time.

Level 10 power chow

ATTN: I GOT THE NAMES MIXED UP. DAKOTA IS KIERNAN AND VICE VERSA.

First couple of days will be rough, but there are few better paths to local legend status than gold course shenanigans. (for him, that is, not her – TDT wishes her family good luck): Young couple arrested for fairway sex

Miss Dakota Payne

• He’s 24, parents live on golf course
• She’s 19, parents named Step-Dad and Skylar

Live from the 8th hole: When a patrolman arrived at the links, he spotted a “male with no shorts on and a female that appeared to only have a bra on.” The woman, the officer reported, “was on her back and the male was laying down with his head between her legs performing oral sex.”

Bambi fans: Two other witnesses–who were on the tee box at hole 8–said that they observed “what they thought was a deer laying down in the fairway.” However, “Upon closer inspection, they realized it was two people having ‘doggy-style’ intercourse.

Don’t go making the same mistake I did and go thinking that Dakota Payne is a unique name and slutty bikini pics of her would therefore be easily obtainable. There are thousands of Dakota Paynes out there, most of them dudes.

So we improvise:

Dakota Payne approximation

Embrace notoriety.